On confidence and performance

There was someone I worked with briefly who was very good at seeming confident. He spoke quickly, made eye contact, never hesitated when answering questions. In meetings he had a way of restating other people's points more emphatically and getting credit for them. I found him impressive for about two weeks.

Then I started noticing that when things actually went wrong — when a project hit a real problem — he'd go quiet. Or he'd become very certain about something that turned out to be incorrect. The confidence was a performance, and performances break down under certain conditions.

The people who've actually impressed me over time are usually calmer about uncertainty. There's a woman I know who runs her own small business and when she doesn't know something she says so immediately, without any apparent anxiety about it. She then finds out and gets back to you, usually faster than expected. People trust her completely.

I think when you're starting out, and I definitely did this, you confuse the performance of confidence with the actual thing. You see someone speak without hesitation and interpret that as competence. Sometimes it is. Often it's just a personality type, or a rehearsed habit, or anxiety expressed outward rather than inward.

Actual confidence, I think, is closer to a settled relationship with your own limitations. Knowing what you're good at, what you're not, and being unbothered about both in public. It doesn't make for dramatic first impressions. But it compounds, because people learn they can rely on what you say — including when what you say is "I'm not sure."

I'm still working on this. I still sometimes perform certainty I don't have. I notice it more now, at least.